This movie is an abomination. I’ve seen snippets of this movie on and off, certainly not enough to say that I had fully seen it before. I knew nothing of Teen Witch.
But once we started watching this movie, I started to have a revelation. This movie subtly informed every bit of my 1990’s childhood. The meaning of popularity, the meaning of power, even what women who came of age in the 1990s want in male partners… it’s all in this movie. Friends didn’t ruin this generation of women. It was freaking Teen Witch.
The gist: Louise wants to be a teenage queen. She wants to be like the popular girls in her school, with bodies like 27-year-olds and hot boyfriends. Meanwhile she’s flat as a board and just has one real friend. You know, just like 99% of all people in high school.
But when she has to make a stop one day at a psychic’s house, and her world changes. The psychic (played with dry sass by Zelda Rubenstein) tells her that she’s a witch. Upon her sixteenth birthday, she’ll have the power to affect people and objects with incredible power. The day passes. And pretty soon, Louise is drunk with power. Things get so 80’s so fast.
What I “learned”: All teenagers are selfish. They don’t think they are, but they absolutely are.
Louise wants to be like the young starlets she sees on MTV. But her parents are strict, and she has no agency because she’s 16 years old. She wants an ideal that’s unattainable. There is nothing worse than trying to live up to an idealized time in your life and failing. The second Louise gets the power to change everything, she does. That’s understandable.
But this movie completely messes up in its so-called moral lesson. Louise allegedly undoes her magic so that people really do love her. But does she? The school still treats her like a golden child, and the subject of her love spell is still captivated by her. She even has the cool clothes she wished for in her sexpot fantasies. That’s when the truth hits you: Of course Louise didn’t undo her magic. Because underneath her heroine exterior, she’s still a selfish teenager.
See this movie if you like: Movies that make more sense if you’re drunk or high. Seriously, this movie is a complete mess. The main character’s actions only make sense if you believe she’s either dreaming or constantly smoking pot. It makes the scene where her brother turns into a dog much more interesting.
Avoid this movie if: You want your magical movies to focus on the magic. The bright shining star of this film is Zelda Rubenstein, who also played the medium in Poltergeist. She’s fabulous. She encourages Louise to be selfish with her powers, with no mind for how it’ll affect humans. Apparently they’re reincarnated besties from the Salem Witch Trials. Cool enough, but things get interesting when she hints at her powers getting stronger because Louise is finally old enough to tap into her powers. It’s apparently a kind of witchy biofeedback. That’s fascinating! Why didn’t we have more of that in this movie and less fake music videos filled with sexual tension?
New Films Watched: 91
Films Re-Watched: 8
Total Number of Films: 99
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